i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
