Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
