why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
