I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
