captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
