the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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