I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
It was a blind-side dick pic.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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