I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize