I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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