I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
