i need an iv and a liver transplant
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
