Kiss
Puke
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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