Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
