I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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