you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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