the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize