This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
