I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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