i love accidental penises.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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