plz talk dirty to me
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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