Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Barsexuality is the new black.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
