im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
