wrigley field is MILF paradise
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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