It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize