dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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