I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
