I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
