My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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