I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
