Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
