i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
