do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
