ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
