youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Small penises have feelings too.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Randomize
