You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
