I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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