I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
My vagina just clenched in fear
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
