Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
