just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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