I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
