Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Randomize
