My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
