happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
