So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I am never drinking with the goths again.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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