the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
