i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Pants are for mortals
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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