so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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