We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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