we're chasing vodka with high fives
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
