remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Randomize
