I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
