remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
