So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
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