Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
