Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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