he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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