I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
