so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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