Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
The beer is more important than you right now.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
