I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
