i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I think i got beer on your cat.
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