This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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