Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Randomize
