we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
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