You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
